Monthly Archives: March 2012


I lied to you dear readers (that is if there are any of you out there who are reading this because you’re interested in our thoughts as opposed to reading this in a stalker like fashion).  I lied to you on two accounts.  The first will be explained by the second.

Firstly, I promised I would follow-up my last horrible “article” (pictures of hot men) immediately with a review of a restaurant.

Secondly, I promised you it was going to be a “super fabulous” restaurant and sorry every other reviewer in the world, but it just wasn’t.  Which is why I put off writing about it for so very long.

Yes, I’m talking about Zahav.  It’s every Philly food reviewers favorite place to gush over.  It’s been called one of the best places to eat in Philly.  People (for some reason) have been talking about the closing of Le Bec Fin and the rise of Zahav in the same articles frequently.  But I just disagree with the over abundance of praise.

Yes, the food was good.  It had a nice atmosphere.  The staff was pretty nice.  In short, there was nothing wrong with the place.  I would eat there again even.   It just did not blow my mind.

The food at Zahav is exactly what Zahav promises it will be.  It is a mash-up of common Israeli foods and a few new ideas, flavors, and techniques.

It has just been over sold.  My perspective on food and/or life did not change after eating there.  I didn’t learn a lot about a particular culture.  There is no dish that stands out among the others.  There is no dish with a siren call summoning me back there.

I don’t really have a lot else to say about the place.  I’m not saying don’t go there, I’m just saying don’t go there with hopes of having a food epiphany.

Zahav gets a 90 out of 100.

-2 points for being the golden child of the media

-5 points for their high prices

-3 points for their desserts




Trayvon Martin Rant!

Just like everyone else I have an opinion on this subject, but as everyone knows me, my thought’s come from left field and will be offensive. So, if you don’t want to be mad and hate me then stop reading. This is your final warning, it will make your blood boil but as it’s my blog I don’t care what others think, so here goes.

Let’s start off with a few thoughts and notes:

  • Someone told me tonight my people killed this kid.
  • I honestly don’t care about this case and I’m not sure why this is as big as it is.
  • Jesse Jackson is ignorant when he speaks.
  • Geraldo Rivera is ignorant when he speaks.
  • Playing the race card is ignorant.
  • 5 to 8 thousand people marching in my current city, Philadelphia for this  is pretty dumb and cost the city money they don’t have.

Let’s touch on these first.

My people? Who? Europeans? I’m white. They, the media doesn’t even know if this fellow that killed the young kid is White, Hispanic, or Latino. As a matter of fact little is known about this case. People throw random fucking statements out there and a reporter gets a hold of it and throws it out of proportion. Then a few people read the article and recycle it but with a twist so now new things are added, then, boom, political figures and big business get involved. What the fuck is wrong with society?

I also read an article where Jesse Jackson said, well he said a lot but mostly bullshit, if you want to read the article click link : Bullshit! I have never understood his and others positions on African-American struggles in America.  Also Jesse and other’s only put their two cents in when its a race issue. Why don’t they speak up when it’s black on black crime? Or when it’s black on white? It must not exist to them. 90% of the murders in Philadelphia are black on black. Where are you Jesse? 2 – 6 murders a day in this city, explain that away. I’m tired of hearing the same ‘ole excuses.

Geraldo said Trayvon would be alive if he didn’t have a hoodie on. Shut the fuck up, nuff said.

I touched on the race card above, but I think it’s dumb to automatically run to that. I didn’t elaborate on the black on white crime in america that typically flies under the radar. I have a shit ton of examples:

  • Just this week 2 16-year-old black males set a 13-year-old white male on fire and stated you get what you deserve white boy.
  • How about in my hometown in Virginia, 4 teenage black males beat an 88-year-old white man to death to impress girls.

There is also black on black crime that flies under the radar:

  • In West Philly a few black males shot into a house that was occupied by African-Americans, a toddler was shot. There was 30 witnesses and no one saw anything.

I’m only going to give that example because it’s sends me on another rant about a rule in urban Philadelphia, No snitching! Are you fucking kidding me, a toddler was shot and everyone is scared to say anything to police for fear of being shot by their own people. I witness this rule everyday. My neighbors sell drugs all day everyday, I live on third floor of a house, on the bottom floor an African-American police officer lives and knows and doesn’t say anything. Also I’ve seen her significant other sell drugs.

As for the stupid ass marchers, ever since occupy movement started people think a march will cure everything. You shut down roads and cost city money but bitch when they take money from other programs. But my question is why don’t you march for that toddler or the kid that got set on fire or how about the old man beat to death? What about the kids subjected to my neighbors? How about taking a different approach? Why not march for a better education system and a social service program to teach parents how to be fucking parents and teach kids the right path, black and white. Don’t forget to march for the 17 people killed by one of our soldiers overseas, or do we not care about that kind of stuff anymore? Americans need to hit the reset button.

Also, now there is a debate over gun laws and other laws about personal property and safety. Don’t forget hate crimes. I tell you now I think everyone should either have guns or no one has guns. And since I don’t think the latter will ever happen I suggest you arm yourself. I live in an unsafe neighborhood I walk everywhere with a weapon and will not hesitate to use if I feel threatened. I live in a heavy crime area, just tonight in a 4 block radius of my home there was an assault on a police officer, a forced burglary, a rape, 2 robberies with handguns, 7 thefts, and three vehicle thefts, all by African Americans as the commiters. Someone call Jesse and the marchers, oh wait race isn’t involved. They will use the excuse  institutionalized racism. Whatever the fuck that means.

I’m also tired of the law “Hate Crime“. We have laws on the books for attempted murder, murder, and other crimes that now have an escalator to a hate crime.
If I murder someone, I suspect I did so for some kind of hate. Even if it was meant to be for my financial gain. This is more of the “fairness,” doctrine at work. Where we start off not keeping score at junior’s soccer game and “level the playing field,” until we raise people who are inept. I have a theory. Our society as Americans have enjoyed so many new age conveniences that we have too much leisure time and therefore sit around and think about esoteric ideas like making our children kinder and gentler instead of trustworthy and industrious.

I’ll wrap my ignorant ass rant up, if everyone else can be ignorant so can I. This is my Jerry Springer Final Thought.

“Facts are stubborn things; and whatever may be our wishes, our inclinations, or the dictates of our passion, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence.”   John Adams (1770)

In this tragic case, we are presently long on emotions, but short on facts.  It will take at least a few weeks, but the facts will come out.  The neighborhood watch guy either acted reasonably, or he didn’t.  It was either self-defense, or it wasn’t. The neighborhood watch guy was either injured in a scuffle with the deceased, or he wasn’t.  The “stand your ground” law either applies, or it doesn’t.  Too much disinformation from both families to know at present.

When the facts come out, no one who has prematurely invested in their speculative positions will be pleased.  And no one is served well in this media frenzy over what is really a sad case that may or may not be a crime.



Want a ride on the brain train?

So not a lot of writing has been going on here versus the old blog. I blame it on sadness. I am still sad about it being deleted, I had so much random shit there that I loved. It was a piece of me.

I had a whole blog post planned out and written in my head but my partner in crime called with an amazing story, something that had to do with ground-up goldfish crackers, blood, and a blind hospital I think. I hope there will be a post about that. What would make that post the greatest would be if they used a good amount of fucking bad language. I can only hope for it.

  • Then bourbon and pasta happened.
  • Then a couple bong hits happened.
  • Then more bong hits.
  • Then more Pasta.
  • Then Facebook and Twitter, oh and Google+.

Now my sleep deprived mind doesn’t remember what I was going to force on to the blog, but now I think I found my writing hidden beneath what some would call sins.

  • Booze.
  • Bongs.
  • Eating after midnight.
  • Addiction to social media.
  • Someone once told me Insomnia was of the devil.

The sins if you were wondering.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, i can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and i cook thirty-minute brownies in twenty minutes. i am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in peru.

That sentence my friends would be my introduction paragraph if I was to put an ad on a dating site like e-harmony. It’s also probably a sin. I don’t like the thought of endless emails, that’s the only reason a dating site ad hasn’t happened.

What? Who wouldn’t fall for that?

Want to read something creepy? Here is a ride on the brain train of thought, don’t forget it’s creepy.

I like the way she eats sandwiches
Is that odd, am I strange?
I know I am a stranger, though we did exchange glances
My bland life offers nothing that could compete with that sandwich
I’m too much lettuce without any zest, no oils and vinegars
No sweet nectars, no tasty meats, just plain ole me

I like the way she eats sandwiches
I got lost in the moment as time crept on
I could watch her eat for hours, but the food would never last
She may have smiled at me
I may have imagined her smiling at me
Nevertheless I like the way she eats sandwiches
She neither nibbles nor chomps
It is an art, and she is a master of her craft

I would like to sit and eat sandwiches with her
I’d vow to do my best for her sake, for my sake, for our sake
Eating sandwiches can be difficult
Sitting across a table with beauty Webster yet has words for
A beauty who knows her way around pickles and cucumbers
Knows the route through tomatoes and banana peppers
and the grains of whole wheat bread
She takes another taste and mayo trickles down her lip
She reaches for her napkin and kisses it gently
She is as flawless as before the first bite
I like the way she eats sandwiches.

Creepy right? I may use “Want a ride on the brain train” as my catch phrase, just putting it out there.

I feel this post has reached the level of “what the fuck” and randomness I was looking for. Also the deer on the door won’t quit looking at me. It’s starting to scare me so I got to go.



Pretty Much

Until fairly recently, I did not have a blog.

Also, I never used my social media like a blog (because I was embarrassed by my thoughts.  Imagine that!)

So I’m just going to take a blog post to do the thing that I missed out on doing when I was like… 15 years old.

I’m going to show you pictures of sexy men (all of whom are vastly under appreciated by the average female).

Like Jason Lee (in Almost Famous to be specific).

And Scott Foley (why yes, I am going to spend the next 3 weeks holed-up in my apartment re-watching Felicity and cursing that stupid bitch for picking the wrong guy!  And yes I know they did the whole stupid “time warp” thing and it didn’t work out but man, what a fucking cop-out that was!)

And the creme de la creme, ROB BENEDICT (swoon).  Yes he was also in Felicity, but he had not yet reached “hottie fo sho” status yet when the show ended.  He’s like a fine wine, getting better with age.

I hope you enjoyed as much as I do the sexy trifecta that make up the vast majority of my wet dreams.


P.S. I’m going to eat at a super fabulous place later.  The resulting post will mostly (if not completely) make up for this.


Maoz is (evidently) a smallish chain.  I’d never seen it before I moved to Philly.  Regardless, much like most of the other great things I’ve found in this city I resisted trying it for so long.

Maoz (pronounced “mows”) is a “vegetarian restaurant.”  I was a vegetarian for 6 years.  I hated eating at vegetarian restaurants then and I certainly hate them now.  Is that judgmental?  Absolutely.  The thing is lots of people (even people who own vegetarian restaurants) don’t understand how to make a filling and delicious vegetarian meal. So for the past 6 months I’ve strolled on by the graphic-y building that is Maoz without ever giving it the slightest time of day.

You remember recently how I was lamenting the loss of Moe’s in my life?  Sorry Moe’s, but I shall lament no more.  I’ve found your other half.  If I could marry two fast food places, it would be Moe’s and Maoz.

Anyway, getting on with the story so we can get to the review.  I started my new job yesterday.  My co-worker/trainer decided to go get lunch, but promised she would bring it back to eat so I wouldn’t be running a store I just started working in alone.  What did she bring back?  Maoz.  And it smelled… so good.  So I went home and ordered falafel from my favorite place.  But the craving was still there.

Then today came around, and I was working again.  I decided to get lunch for once and I just had to do it.  I had to have Maoz.

I stepped inside and sorry Maoz, but it’s fucking ugly in there.   It didn’t matter though, all I knew is I had to get my hands on that falafel.  But I was greeted by a condiment/topping buffet.  And a rude, slob of a man.  I told him I’d never been there before and he just started at me with a blank expression.  I know he was thinking “it isn’t that hard,” but ya know what buddy, fuck you.

So being slightly aggravated (probably more because I was hungry then that the guy was actually an ass hole) I just told him I wanted falafel and he sort of became helpful.  Apparently I actually wanted a “maoz sandwich” (which is a pretty stupid name for falafel in pita) and I got mine with fried eggplant and hummus also.  Then I got to top it with whatever I wanted! I put garlic sauce, tomatoes and onions, carrot salad, 4 types of salsa, and some other stuff on there.  I sat down at one of the really awkward tables.  And when I took the first bite my “maoz” jizzed all over my brand new red coat.  But I didn’t even care because I was in slightly spicy, super savory, carbohydrate overload falafel heaven.

Oh, also talk about simplicity (seriously, Maoz would be so perfect for Moe’s).  They have a regular “sandwich”, a small “sandwich”, a combo meal that comes with fries, and a salad (naked) option.

And what did I pay for this glory?  About $6.50.  Boom.

Ultimately, I give Maoz a 90%.  They lose 7% for being ugly and 3% because the guy behind the counter was a jerk (even though he probably wasn’t really).

And I learned another lesson:  Don’t always be afraid of vegetarian restaurants.

That’s all.



P.P.S. Listen to this (because that’s what I’m doing):

Jesus would eat my burgers!

I say some pretty messed up things sometimes. This post more than likely wont have anything to do with Jesus eating my burgers, even though he totally would. More or less random shit. Insomnia is a bitch.

  • I had a kitten once, but an owl took off with it. I haven’t liked owls since then. As usual per every-night I am thinking about burgers and how much shit I can put on them. Light bulb! I’ll make an owl burger, that’s probably some exotic shit. Google…Can you eat owls? If Google tells me I can eat owl that species is in trouble.
  • Well owls for now are safe. Apparently they are protected here in the U.S. I will investigate further. I got a little sidetracked at the bottom of the page it had a section of links of similar questions to mine. Can the smell of a stink bug rot your brain? And will you die? I have to click that link. Anyone who is still reading this would click it, hell the only reason you clicked here was the title. You had to see what kinda burgers Jesus would eat, or what the fuck kinda post warranted that title. There’s a famous saying “Curiosity killed the cat” I wonder if that was someones pet owl named Curiosity.
  • Sometimes writing is hard!
  • If you cook, and you order your burger MW, we need to have a chat.
  • I ate a burger at 445 am. I call it breakfast even though I haven’t slept yet. It was a bacon, egg, and cheeseburger.
  • Hey dude, if I go into Home Depot without a list I’m in trouble.  I’ll come out of there with a nail gun and a cashier.
  • Prosciutto and pancetta are not the same thing.  Who knew?
  • I used to work at a pizza hut call center. That job sucked.
  • When did it become cool for hipsters to try to look like Nicholas Cage in Raising Arizona?
  • Well if this was a love story…
  • I’m kinda in a writing funk so I like this bullet thought style, it’s my thought’s notes and convo just with a different title. The title is just there to peak  your interest.
  • I’m lame, I’m going to try to nap before work. Fuck its six thirty in the morning.
  • That burger was delicious.
  • Hopefully I will write something interesting later.





I seriously hate Qdoba.  I hate it so much.  If you know me personally you’ve heard that rant at least once.  If not, get ready.

I hate Qdoba, and conversely I love, nay ADORE Moe’s Southwestern Grill.

Upon first inspection it seems like the two are very similar.  But if you’ve eaten at both, you know MOE’S IS WHERE IT IS AT.

Besides the fact that they have funny, witty names for their food, they also say WELCOME TO MOE’S every time you walk in the door.  I know they have to do it or they’ll get fired, but it still makes me smile.

Also, for each category (taco, burrito ect.) there is a meat/tofu option, a meat/tofu option with guacamole, a non-tofu vegetarian option, and a smaller portion option (and in some cases a “naked” option).  Besides that, you can literally get whatever you want on it!  They don’t confine you do a “type” of burrito (like fucking Qdoba).  AND they have better stuff to pick from!! Fresh shopped jalapeno, pickled jalapeno, fresh cilantro, fresh pico and or corn salsa, grilled peppers, onions, and mushrooms.  The list goes on and on!  Also, they have whole wheat tortillas.  AND THEN ON TOP OF THAT YOU GET FREE UNLIMITED CHIPS AND SALSA (with a minimum of 4 types of salsa available every fucking day)

Unfortunately, Philadelphia has no Moe’s.  What they have is Chipotle and Qdoba.

Now why I hate Qdoba.  It is essentially the cheap, ugly younger sibling.  You have to pick a burrito, and they don’t have a lot of toppings to pick from, and they get pissy when you ask for more stuff, and their rice SUCKS, and they SUCK at rolling burritos.  Also, chips and salsa cost money.  No fresh jalapeno.  Shitty guac.  Their sour cream is a liquid (?!).  I’ve never gotten a burrito there that I could actually pick up and eat, I always have to use a knife and fork (which I believe to be sacrilege).  Today, I just walked in and started telling them what I wanted and let them figure out what to call it.  And it was the soggiest grossest burrito I’ve ever had in my whole damned life.  It didn’t even taste good.  IT NEVER TASTES GOOD.  I SERIOUSLY HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE WITH THE SCORN OF 1,000 BURNING SUNS QDOBA.  DON’T USE THAT NAME IN MY PRESENCE EVER. I SHUN IT. FUCK QDOBA.