Tag Archives: healthy-living

Sometimes we get too fucked up.

Chicken pot pie – my three favorite things.

  • Take a pack of dessert fudge pop-tarts
  • Toast the pop-tarts in the toaster
  • Take out your choice of ice cream
  • Put ice cream in between pop-tarts
  • Proceed to let your taste buds make love with the gods

I was driving back to my house with my friend and this really Noir-like jazzy song comes on. I instantly set the stage with, “1925, New York City, raining at midnight.” My friend starts to narrate a man sitting at a table with a lady in a restaurant with all of these awesome details in an old style voice. it was the coolest thing I’ve heard in a while. felt like I was driving in a black and white movie.

…Why the hell do clothes get wet? Wouldn’t it be the shit if you just stuck your sock in a lake and pulled it out completely dry? Pardon the raging boner.

Dirty joke : A vagina is like the weather. Once its wet, it’s time to go inside.

I woke up today, got out of bed, and just stood there looking at my bed. You might think I’m crazy after reading that, but I was thinking about what I would do if I happened to wake up in my bed right then after seemingly having woken up once already. That would be a first for me. I wouldn’t know what to do.

My Mind:

A wanderer.
It comes and goes.
A ponderer.
I’d like to think it knows.
Like keys.
Easily lost.
Like disease.
Great cost.
Like true love.
Hard to find.
All of the above.
My mind.

Talking to Strangers – A T.V. show I want to make. More about it later.

I was worried about putting that as the title but when I did, related articles had a similar title, well just the word fuck so I thought if they can do it so can I.

World’s First Stoners:

  • Caveman #1: Mmm, green plant smell good.
  • Caveman #2. Grunt grunt, mm maybe it burn well.
  • 20 minutes later.
  • Caveman #1: Grunt, me feel funny.
  • Caveman #2: We should make book about magical man who fall from sky and get nailed to cross. Just to fuck with people.

Note: My interpretation of a caveman is a lil’ rusty…

Enough with the random shit!

FIN!

Kotton!

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On November 24th, 1992…

I found two snowflakes that were exaxtily alike.

  • And I will not let it go!

Exaxtily retarded!

Exaxtily?

I was mixed on what to call this post. I had this idea and then had an idea about Awkwardness. Specifically while being high. If you are still reading this beware below it gets kinda raunchy and offensive. It’s me so fuck it.

I’ve been thinking back about hilariously weird awkward moments I’ve spent in my life I was extremely high. Why is this?

Some examples:

  • Seeing someone you knew from middle school, a teacher, church, friends parents etc.
  • You for whatever reason cannot understand a single word the clerk says at the register when you are trying to buy your munchies.
  • Your get asked for some change by a bum and he shakes your hand and it’s wet and weird.
  • You end up seeing your gf/bf when you “couldn’t” hang out
  • You fart an it wasn’t silent.
  • You fart and it was silent, but the smell is putrid, and your with only one other person.
  • You laughed at something very inappropriate.
  • You ate all the nachos.

I don’t know why it is! But fuck I’ve had some hilarious moments.. Too bad I can’t remember even half.

Then my couch friend chimes in:

  • My neighbor’s dog came after me when I was skating baked once. The neighbor was a real old lady and told me that her son used to skateboard and the dog used to love it until he passed away. I responded with “haha cool” and skated away.
  • Or when mom walks in on you jacking off in your mouth. Fucking embarrassing. Most awkward time at the diner table that night.
  • Or when you’re jacking into moms mouth and she wakes up.

That’s kinda fucked up.

You can never go too far when you’re talking on the internet.

Mayonnaise.

Is  mayonnaise an instrument?

Bong Hit!

Hmm, that’s a good question. Let’s find the definition for the word “instrument”

*puts on glasses and picks up book*

*flips page*

Ah “instrument”
Main Entry: 1in·stru·ment
Pronunciation: \ˈin(t)-strə-mənt\
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Anglo-French, from Latin instrumentum, from instruere to arrange, instruct
Date: 14th century
1 : a device used to produce music; also : a singing voice
2 a : a means whereby something is achieved, performed, or furthered b : one used by another as a means or aid : dupe, tool
3 : implement; especially : one designed for precision work
4 : a formal legal document (as a deed, bond, or agreement)
5 a : a measuring device for determining the present value of a quantity under observation b : an electrical or mechanical device used in navigating an airplane; especially : such a device used as the sole means of navigating

*closes book*

So to answer your question it can be depending how it’s being used.

Fuckin high.

Man, I hate those commercials. “What would you do for a Klondike bar?”
… Walk to the fuckin freezer.

FIN!

Kotton!

Academic Stoner! Part 1.

No I’m not going to sit here and bore you with my academic accolades as a stoner, you don’t want to read all of that, it’s a long list. Sorry if I forgot to tell you I’m a genius.

Anywho, Academic Stoner is a band name I came up with. I have a slew I jot down every now and then and thought I would share some with you. Part 1 means I have a shit ton of names. Enjoy and feel free to share yours with me bitches. I’ll give you 15 in each part.

  • Crisp Worm
  • Coalition Of The Digestive Goggle
  • Pyramid Yogurt
  • Sexual South
  • Long Aftermath And The Apologetic Fusion
  • Entertainment Of The Uprising Gnat
  • Broiled Priest
  • Motivated Mediocrity
  • Moldy Glimpse And The Horned Tragedy
  •  Right-wing Of The Incoming
  • Typical Ordinance And The Deaf Path
  • Snatch N’ Sniff
  • Adult-oriented Kneecap
  • Lubricated Patriot
  • Angst’n’Ankhs – Egyptian Emo Band – ha!

I’m high and River Monsters makes me want to fish the world.

FIN!

Kotton!

You get what you got! Shit! Ha!

Next one in this series is Clam Whistle Part 2.

Blue Mystery!

The plight of a snail.

I think we need some more idioms and euphemisms, so, for the past month I’ve been making a list. I have no idea what they mean, any ideas for any of them could be pretty funny, see if you can get a little more creative than “Jerking off”.

  • In fifty years, would people of our age still call it scrubbing the glass pony?
  • She couldn’t believe her luck as she discovered him hiding the spindle.
  • He spent every lunch hour at home, shocking the pumpkin.
  • They were hoping the neighbors couldn’t see them trolling for the flounder.
  • The last time I had this much fun, I was fogging up the tin president.
  • From behind the curtain came the unmistakable sounds of spying on the legendary pudding.
  • Cross-examination revealed that he had a great deal of experience tucking into the dragon.
  • Shut the door! I’m inspecting the duck!
  • Let’s just say I had a lot to learn about shaking the sweaty longshoreman.
  • Will you stop laminating the smurfy Mexican justice?!
  • I couldn’t believe my luck as she started phoning the bald-headed trouser lion.
  • This unique and colorful custom is referred to as spell checking the rainbow whale.
  • He was in the bathroom, retrieving the internal sauce.
  • Needless to say, I promptly began shopping for the Swedish hamburger.
  • Dude, he smoked so much he started inverting the lower Appalachian ballroom in front of his girlfriend.
  • He was out on the beach, hammering the racist surgeon general.
  • The film shocked audiences nationwide with its frank depiction of two men angering the great pocket eggplant.
  • Halfway through the project, Ben looked like he had been holding the French taco.
  • Oblivious to the crowd of observers that was forming, the couple resumed drubbing the flesh flute.
  • I would appreciate his company more if he would stop busting the squid.
  • One thing I could never figure out was how he kept his shoes on while filing the dungeon.
  • He smoked saliva and started putting a kink in the Pop-Tart.
  • Tosh.0 secretly throws the ol’ Nantucket husky on weekends.
  • Like most guys his age, he wasn’t above icing the tractor!
  • This is not an appropriate place for landing the sacred bishop.
  • As the kids say, she was flicking the Chateau.
  • Alone once again, she retired to the bedroom and began kissing the blazing sandwich maker.
  • Guess what I’ve been doing? That’s right — hot gluing the hamster badger.
  • Whenever I drop acid I can’t help myself from flogging the otter’s duck.

How high am I?

I just made a theme song to cookin bacon.

Fish can’t see water they swim in. Well technically they can. But they don’t know it’s water, that’s just what they’ve been in all there lives.
Sometimes things aren’t what they seem.

Open your eyes.

I’m to damn high!

FIN!

Kotton!

Oh yea read this – The Unorthodox Outsider

I see you walking by.

This sentence is a lie.

The below sentence is true.

The above sentence is a lie.

How the hell do you describe a color?

Sometimes when I’m high…

  • I like to walk down long secluded roads with a backpack on and a sword in hand, just to pretend I’m one of the last survivors of a zombie apocalypse

Uncle Jack is back.

  • #9 – there’s folks say we humans
    are natural-born monsters
    an its up ta society ta try
    ta restrain us as best it can
    with law an religion an such

    an then there’s folks say we humans
    are natural-born angels
    an its up ta society ta try
    ta help us reach our potential
    an not foul us up too much

    it’s a hard subject alright
    but from what i have seen
    I kinda think the truth
    lies somewhere between.

Told you he was back.

I would rather be weird as fuck than boring as fuck.

This burger needs a name –

Read this link for info on naming… Click me bitches!

The burger has an 8oz free range beef patty. Slice of Cheddar Cheese. An orange slice. 3 pieces of bacon. 2 onion rings and more of my experimental dressing. It’s a creamy, spicy southwestern poppy-seed mustard. How can I shorten that?

Bong hit!

Night!

FIN!

Kotton!

If Onky?

He will know! Who the hell knows. I know. What the fuck am I talking about? I don’t care. I want you to write my menu for my future burger endeavor. Whats this idiot taking about now? Don’t worry about the details just check out the new section above called Menu.

  • Name my burgers dangit.
  • Did you hear? Uncle Jack is back!
  • Faggot!

Woah slow down, what the fuck does that mean? Calm down silly its food!

Check it out here Faggot. <—-

  • I wish I could have a company call Mr. Brains Faggots, got to love the UK.

You know the birds that stand in the middle of the road but fly away right before your car gets too close to them? I wonder if they go back to all their bird friends and brag about how badass they are.

  • I want a badass bird.

They should invent a white t-shirt that is impervious to stains.

  • Who the fuck is they?

Bong hit!

New burger alert : The Inception Burger – Experimental Stage. Inspired by the Inception Burrito. It is a burrito, inside a burrito, inside a burrito. Sounds delicious. Added another place on bucket of food cause of that burrito. Check it out.

This post is useless but I have to post some garbage to get the juices flowing.

FIN!

Kotton!

 

Finger Condoms.

Why the title you ask? Because you will click it duh.

Have you ever noticed that at the bottom of french fry boxes, there are little tiny slivers of french fries hiding.. they’re always at the bottom too. Has anyone ever wondered how they got there? It makes no sense to me.. Like do McDonalds people just fuck up while making them and put them in there to like make your life just a little worse? Or does the government put little edible cameras in there? I guess it wouldn’t matter because no one eats them.They always taste weird. You’d think because they’re less dense that they would be on the top.. Or maybe that only works with fluids? Yeah whatever. I don’t like them. I am going to put a stop to these tiny evil fries. Rant over but I have a lot of notes, thoughts and convos to get through.

  • I want to create a little grabber thing that holds onto an Oreo so that when you dip it in milk, your fingers don’t have to touch the milk AND you can get the whole cookie in the milk
  • Me: Wright sir, right sir, write sir lol. Ben: Did the right Wright write directions on how to fly this thing? Me: Yes, the right Wright wrote the directions on how to fly the thing. But the wrong Wright couldn’t read what was written by the right Wright and therefore made popcorn right?
  • Reverse Corn-dogs.
  • Marijuana does lead to harder stuff…
    Like trying to look inconspicuous carrying a plate of spaghetti topped with gummy bears at a cafe…
  • I’m not sexist because sexism is wrong. And being wrong is for women. I’m not racist because racism is a crime. And crime is for black people.
  • Remember the term Ten dollar burger.
  • Headquarters… you spelled rape dungeon wrong.
  • I guess you guys need something to visually stimulate you so here is a random picture I took of a sailboat.

I call it work hard and play hard. Don’t ask why cause I don’t know why. Anyhow, I need you guys to like us on Facebook and name the burger that is the profile picture. If you need to think it’s detrimental to my health, so be it. Read the last post to know what I’m talking about. “If you name it, you can’t eat it”. So get that done if you don’t mind.

I’m done with this post but I want to let you know that all the links below WordPress said were related articles to this post and I find them semi-entertaining. So that means you should click and read as well.

Oh Yea, Name my burger bitches…

FIN!

Kotton!