Tag Archives: review

Academic Stoner! Part 1.

No I’m not going to sit here and bore you with my academic accolades as a stoner, you don’t want to read all of that, it’s a long list. Sorry if I forgot to tell you I’m a genius.

Anywho, Academic Stoner is a band name I came up with. I have a slew I jot down every now and then and thought I would share some with you. Part 1 means I have a shit ton of names. Enjoy and feel free to share yours with me bitches. I’ll give you 15 in each part.

  • Crisp Worm
  • Coalition Of The Digestive Goggle
  • Pyramid Yogurt
  • Sexual South
  • Long Aftermath And The Apologetic Fusion
  • Entertainment Of The Uprising Gnat
  • Broiled Priest
  • Motivated Mediocrity
  • Moldy Glimpse And The Horned Tragedy
  •  Right-wing Of The Incoming
  • Typical Ordinance And The Deaf Path
  • Snatch N’ Sniff
  • Adult-oriented Kneecap
  • Lubricated Patriot
  • Angst’n’Ankhs – Egyptian Emo Band – ha!

I’m high and River Monsters makes me want to fish the world.



You get what you got! Shit! Ha!

Next one in this series is Clam Whistle Part 2.


Blue Mystery!

The plight of a snail.

I think we need some more idioms and euphemisms, so, for the past month I’ve been making a list. I have no idea what they mean, any ideas for any of them could be pretty funny, see if you can get a little more creative than “Jerking off”.

  • In fifty years, would people of our age still call it scrubbing the glass pony?
  • She couldn’t believe her luck as she discovered him hiding the spindle.
  • He spent every lunch hour at home, shocking the pumpkin.
  • They were hoping the neighbors couldn’t see them trolling for the flounder.
  • The last time I had this much fun, I was fogging up the tin president.
  • From behind the curtain came the unmistakable sounds of spying on the legendary pudding.
  • Cross-examination revealed that he had a great deal of experience tucking into the dragon.
  • Shut the door! I’m inspecting the duck!
  • Let’s just say I had a lot to learn about shaking the sweaty longshoreman.
  • Will you stop laminating the smurfy Mexican justice?!
  • I couldn’t believe my luck as she started phoning the bald-headed trouser lion.
  • This unique and colorful custom is referred to as spell checking the rainbow whale.
  • He was in the bathroom, retrieving the internal sauce.
  • Needless to say, I promptly began shopping for the Swedish hamburger.
  • Dude, he smoked so much he started inverting the lower Appalachian ballroom in front of his girlfriend.
  • He was out on the beach, hammering the racist surgeon general.
  • The film shocked audiences nationwide with its frank depiction of two men angering the great pocket eggplant.
  • Halfway through the project, Ben looked like he had been holding the French taco.
  • Oblivious to the crowd of observers that was forming, the couple resumed drubbing the flesh flute.
  • I would appreciate his company more if he would stop busting the squid.
  • One thing I could never figure out was how he kept his shoes on while filing the dungeon.
  • He smoked saliva and started putting a kink in the Pop-Tart.
  • Tosh.0 secretly throws the ol’ Nantucket husky on weekends.
  • Like most guys his age, he wasn’t above icing the tractor!
  • This is not an appropriate place for landing the sacred bishop.
  • As the kids say, she was flicking the Chateau.
  • Alone once again, she retired to the bedroom and began kissing the blazing sandwich maker.
  • Guess what I’ve been doing? That’s right — hot gluing the hamster badger.
  • Whenever I drop acid I can’t help myself from flogging the otter’s duck.

How high am I?

I just made a theme song to cookin bacon.

Fish can’t see water they swim in. Well technically they can. But they don’t know it’s water, that’s just what they’ve been in all there lives.
Sometimes things aren’t what they seem.

Open your eyes.

I’m to damn high!



Oh yea read this – The Unorthodox Outsider

I see you walking by.

This sentence is a lie.

The below sentence is true.

The above sentence is a lie.

How the hell do you describe a color?

Sometimes when I’m high…

  • I like to walk down long secluded roads with a backpack on and a sword in hand, just to pretend I’m one of the last survivors of a zombie apocalypse

Uncle Jack is back.

  • #9 – there’s folks say we humans
    are natural-born monsters
    an its up ta society ta try
    ta restrain us as best it can
    with law an religion an such

    an then there’s folks say we humans
    are natural-born angels
    an its up ta society ta try
    ta help us reach our potential
    an not foul us up too much

    it’s a hard subject alright
    but from what i have seen
    I kinda think the truth
    lies somewhere between.

Told you he was back.

I would rather be weird as fuck than boring as fuck.

This burger needs a name –

Read this link for info on naming… Click me bitches!

The burger has an 8oz free range beef patty. Slice of Cheddar Cheese. An orange slice. 3 pieces of bacon. 2 onion rings and more of my experimental dressing. It’s a creamy, spicy southwestern poppy-seed mustard. How can I shorten that?

Bong hit!




If you name it you can’t eat it?

It’s an old saying I think. But I disagree with it. I don’t eat burgers without names. I made this awesome burger a couple moons ago and I want to eat it again but I can’t without it having a name.

It has a grass fed beef patty, 2 strips of bacon, 4 slices of deli turkey, slice of pepper jack cheese, 2 eggs, mustard and ranch dressing, slice of american cheese. Don’t forget the bread. Why 2 eggs you ask? Well I felt it was something Chuck Norris would do and most of my life decisions are based on that idea. Would Chuck Norris do it? Then sign me up. I don’t want to name it Chuck Norris, cause that’s lame and he will sue more than likely. Pussy!

I want it to have a badass awesome name, so help me out will ya? Need a close up?

There are a few ways you can help me here. You can name it in the comment section. You can like us on Facebook and name it there. It will be the profile picture so click and name there. It will be there for a while ha, I need some likes, it’s getting lonely in here. Same as for twitter, its new and needs followers tweet your name for the burger. We will take the ones we like and let you, the imaginary people who read this vote for your favorite. So help me out you motherfuckers. This name will go on the menu, who cares if its dirty, dirtier the better.

  • Since Jesus could walk on water and humans are 78% water, does that mean if I walk on someone I’m 78% Jesus?
  • Before I eat goldfish I like to drink a whole bottle of water so they have plenty of room to swim around.
  • I’m high!
  • Leftover pie. Wait, does leftover count as 2 words? Left over. Leftover.
  • Interact with all my shit above please. Goodnight. Might walk on some people tomorrow.




Maoz is (evidently) a smallish chain.  I’d never seen it before I moved to Philly.  Regardless, much like most of the other great things I’ve found in this city I resisted trying it for so long.

Maoz (pronounced “mows”) is a “vegetarian restaurant.”  I was a vegetarian for 6 years.  I hated eating at vegetarian restaurants then and I certainly hate them now.  Is that judgmental?  Absolutely.  The thing is lots of people (even people who own vegetarian restaurants) don’t understand how to make a filling and delicious vegetarian meal. So for the past 6 months I’ve strolled on by the graphic-y building that is Maoz without ever giving it the slightest time of day.

You remember recently how I was lamenting the loss of Moe’s in my life?  Sorry Moe’s, but I shall lament no more.  I’ve found your other half.  If I could marry two fast food places, it would be Moe’s and Maoz.

Anyway, getting on with the story so we can get to the review.  I started my new job yesterday.  My co-worker/trainer decided to go get lunch, but promised she would bring it back to eat so I wouldn’t be running a store I just started working in alone.  What did she bring back?  Maoz.  And it smelled… so good.  So I went home and ordered falafel from my favorite place.  But the craving was still there.

Then today came around, and I was working again.  I decided to get lunch for once and I just had to do it.  I had to have Maoz.

I stepped inside and sorry Maoz, but it’s fucking ugly in there.   It didn’t matter though, all I knew is I had to get my hands on that falafel.  But I was greeted by a condiment/topping buffet.  And a rude, slob of a man.  I told him I’d never been there before and he just started at me with a blank expression.  I know he was thinking “it isn’t that hard,” but ya know what buddy, fuck you.

So being slightly aggravated (probably more because I was hungry then that the guy was actually an ass hole) I just told him I wanted falafel and he sort of became helpful.  Apparently I actually wanted a “maoz sandwich” (which is a pretty stupid name for falafel in pita) and I got mine with fried eggplant and hummus also.  Then I got to top it with whatever I wanted! I put garlic sauce, tomatoes and onions, carrot salad, 4 types of salsa, and some other stuff on there.  I sat down at one of the really awkward tables.  And when I took the first bite my “maoz” jizzed all over my brand new red coat.  But I didn’t even care because I was in slightly spicy, super savory, carbohydrate overload falafel heaven.

Oh, also talk about simplicity (seriously, Maoz would be so perfect for Moe’s).  They have a regular “sandwich”, a small “sandwich”, a combo meal that comes with fries, and a salad (naked) option.

And what did I pay for this glory?  About $6.50.  Boom.

Ultimately, I give Maoz a 90%.  They lose 7% for being ugly and 3% because the guy behind the counter was a jerk (even though he probably wasn’t really).

And I learned another lesson:  Don’t always be afraid of vegetarian restaurants.

That’s all.



P.P.S. Listen to this (because that’s what I’m doing):

What? (And Thai Food)

So in the pit of my recent despair, I somehow managed to land a job.  I mean really, after the (no exaggeration) 100’s of jobs I have applied for in my 6 months in this city, and I get one when I walk into an interview dripping wet from rain and with zero confidence.  And it’s an awesome job.

But moving on, A TRIBUTE:

On our old blog, I had recently posted an oh-too-fabulous rant titled “That embarrassing moment when…” followed by a list of embarrassing things stupid people do.  (yep.)

Example: That embarrassing moment when a 2nd quarter culinary student doesn’t know what Asiago cheese is (and pronounces it wrong).

How strange I picked that example… totally at random.


Change the above example to:

That awkward moment when a 2nd quarter culinary student doesn’t know what Asiago, feta, or fresh mozzarella are.
That awkward moment when said culinary student pronounces Asiago wrong, and proceeds to tell you fresh mozzarella “doesn’t taste like anything” and gives you a weird look after you explained its delicious merits for several minutes.

What a shame.

Uh I ate Thai food three times in 36 hours. (Although the last one doesn’t really count because the meal was mostly liquid).

We shall start from the beginning:

Bangkok Thai 9 is a fairly small place.  It’s flanked by a sushi place and a korean BBQ place, which is interesting to me (I’m not going to go into my feels on why that is at this moment)
I don’t hear a lot of nice things about this place to be honest.  No one I’ve ever gone there with has liked it or wanted to go back.  But I like it.
Yep, I like the place.  Sure it isn’t the “most authentic Thai food in Philly,” but that’s like saying the “Main Moon, Red Sun, Rising Sun, Great Wall, No.1 Chinese, Happy Family” place every town invariably has isn’t good because it isn’t authentic.  Who cares, it still tastes good.  It’s one of those places where you have to take it for what it is.

I’ve been here a few times now, and it’s predictable.  This most recent time I got shrimp Panang Curry, which I asked for the kitchen to make spicy (like every other time I’ve ordered anything there) and which was most certainly not spicy (it never is).  Oh well.

Will you have an awakening of food when you eat here?  No.  But will you get an appetizer, soup, and entree, and a drink for less than $10 at lunch.  Yes Sir you will.  And will it taste GOOD? YES SIR IT WILL.

Moving on:
Erawan is a Thai restaurant near my school.  There is also one in China town, but I’ve never been there. I’ve been to this Erawan twice now however.  They also have a nice lunch special (which I got.)  I went for wonton soup (I just love wonton soup so much I get it from anywhere), a salad, and drunken noodle (my favorite Thai dish).  Like Bangkok Thai 9, there will be no grand moment when you eat this food.  You won’t be over come by emotions when you taste the food (unless the last time you ate there was with your now ex-boyfriend, like me.)  Erawan is better than Bangkok though.  The food has more thought behind it and tends to be less greasy.  The dishes tend to be more complex and (I would say) tastier.  And it has a much more visually appealing interior.  You ask for spicy, you get spicy.  It’s a good spot.

My Thai is an incredibly cute little place down on South Street.    I’ve been there twice now, but hardly eaten a thing either time.  My first experience I missed the meal and made in just in time to have some drinks and eat someone else’s left over dinner (which was Pad Thai and it was pretty good!)  The second time was similar.  Myself and a few of my peers popped in for some drinks after our late class.  The kitchen was closed, but the waitress there (who I’ve come to think of as probably the funniest/friendliest waitress in the city) offered to make us something as long as it didn’t require frying or ovens.  We ended up with a trio of steamed dumplings, which were delicious.  And of course, a few of their signature cocktails (which are also really fabulous by the way.)  My Thai is by far my favorite of all three.

I went to none of these places with the intention of reviewing, but since I went to three similar places in two days I figured I should compare and contrast.  I don’t have “grades” for these places, just order:

1. My Thai

2. Erawan

3. Bangkok Thai 9

That’s all.